21 things you need to know about how to give a tantric massage

Tantric massage is a special type of massage that uses energy and chakras (a center of energy in the body, according to Indian belief) to relax the person into the state of feeling that physical boundaries have dissolved. Genevieve Duarte, a tantric massage expert at White Lotus East in New York City explained over email that tantric massage is not a “quickie” experience. “The experience should be one of total relaxation, within a safe, comfortable and undisturbed environment.” she explains. The goal of tantric massage is not orgasm, but to please your partner. “Pleasing the partner should be the first priority.

As strange as it seems, some people need to learn ‘how to give’, while others need to learn ‘how to receive’,” she explains. According to her website: “tantric massage will make you feel as if you are in a trance where physical boundaries dissolve, time disappears, worries and problems no longer seem important or are forgotten altogether.” Makes sense when you consider that “Tantra” is supposed to be a path to enlightenment, similar to Yoga or Zen philosophy.

While most massages will have you covered under a towel for the majority of the time, tantric massage also involves massaging the genital areas. For those with vulvas, the massage is called a “Yoni” massage. For those with penises, the massage is called a “Lingam” massage. And even though it sounds intimidating to give a massage so blissful your partner transcends their physical body, Duarte has many helpful tips for performing a tantric massage at home.

1. Set aside some time

Duarte said over email that tantric massage is not a “quickie” experience. Don’t go into it with the mindset of a chair massage you can get at your mani/pedi place that comes in increments of 10 minutes. Knowing that you have a lot of time will allow both you and your partner to get into the mood better.

2. Know that there’s no pressure to orgasm for you or your partner

Duarte said that there should never be pressure on either partner to perform or meet a specific objective. Orgasm isn’t essential, nor is having or maintaining an erection if you’re performing a massage on a male partner.

3. Take the time to prepare the area

It’s of the utmost importance that the experience should take place in a “safe, comfortable, and undisturbed environment,” as Duarte explained. So maybe plan it for a night when your roommates are out of town and make sure to lock the door.

4. It’s not just about genital massage

Duarte explains on her site that everything from your abdomen, thighs, feet, toes, chest, nipples, and fingers should be massaged first before continuing onto the lingam or yoni massage. According to Duarte, tantric massage is more gentle than other types of therapeutic massage like Swedish or Deep Tissue. She recommends having the receiver lie face down with their arms at their sides while you massage each hand, and then each individual finger. Work your way up along each arm, and then onto their shoulders, neck, and down their back, ending at their hips. From there, you can work your way down from their legs, to their feet and toes before starting the genital massage.

5. Don’t forget to breathe!

For the receiver especially, it is important to remember to breathe during the massage.

6. For Lingam massage:

Get your partner in position. Have your partner lie on his back with pillows under his head and hips. Spread his legs apart with his knees bent slightly, so you can easily access his genitals.

7. Put some oil!

We recommends you the specially formulated oil for tantric massage as the formula is water soluble and won’t stain sheets or clothing, and is made with only natural ingredients like sunflower seed oil, vitamin C, arnica (good for bruises), and calendula (soothing for all sorts of skin irritation). Either way, you definitely don’t want to try tantric massage dry.

8. Gently massage his testicles but make sure that you’re not going too hard and hurting him

Massage his pubic bone (above his penis) and his perineum (the area between his testicles and his anus). It may be helpful to hold his penis up against his pubic bone with your left hand, while you massage the perineum with your right hand, so you have complete and unfettered access. Using the soft spot of your palm, you can gently massage your partner’s testicles.

9. Try different techniques when massaging his penis

Take your time and don’t be afraid to switch things up. We recommends you gently squeezing the base of his penis with your right hand, pulling up over the head until your hand slides off, and then alternating this with your left hand. Make sure to change things up too. Once you get the hang of doing the bottom-up massage technique, try it from the top-down. Start your hands at the top of his penis and pull down to the base of his shaft. We also suggests you massaging the head of his penis like you’re using an orange juicer.

10. Find his "Sacred Spot".

This is a small indentation "the size of a pea or maybe larger, midway between the testicles and anus." Gently push inwards. At first, your partner may find it a little uncomfortable at first, but over time, the Sacred Spot will allow him to "expand is orgasms and master ejaculatory control".

11. If you sense that he’s about to orgasm, lower the dials on your Lingam mastery a little until he levels out again

Orgasm isn’t the goal of tantric massage, and if it happens, it happens, but you should try to “soften the urge to ejaculate” as Duarte writes.

12. When you finish the Lingam massage:

Cover your partner and give him 5–10 minutes to rest quietly before he massages you or you both move forward with something else.

13. For Yoni Massage:

Get your partner into position. Have her lie on her back with pillows under her head and hips, genitals easily accessible for massage.

14. Get some lube!

You should pour some body-safe massage oil or lubricant on the mound of her vulva — cover it just enough that the oil covers her outer lips and the outside of her vulva.

We recommend a water-based formula that is safe for the body and free from glycerine, parabens and fragrances. It’s also non-greasy and won’t stain skin or fabrics.

15. Gently massage the vulva and outer labia majora

Take your time and don’t rush through this step trying to move on quickly!

16. Try different techniques when massaging the labia

We suggests you gently squeezing the labia between your thumb and index finger, and then sliding up and down the entire length of each lip. Try this with both the labia minora and labia majora.

17. Massage her clitoris

We suggests you making small stroking circles clockwise and counterclockwise around her clitoris. Again, the goal here is not orgasm. Continue to take it nice and slow and perform the action as a massage first and foremost, and not as a way to orgasm. You can also gently squeeze her clitoris between your thumb and index fingers.

18. Insert your middle finger into her vagina

When you’re sure you’ve given the labia and clitoral massage your sweet time, you can "slowly and with great care, insert the middle finger of your right hand into the vagin" with your palm facing up. It’s important to use your right hand specifically, as the Tantric belief in Chakras says the right hand is positively charged and the genitals are negatively charged. For those who are not as experienced with Tantra, it won’t make a big difference which hand you use. From there, you can slowly take time to explore her vagina with your finger and throw in some "come here" gestures like you’re trying to feel underneath her belly button. The spongy tissue under the pubic bone and behind the clitoris is the female Sacred Spot.

19. If she’s okay with it, you can add two fingers too

If you’re a real pro, try using the thumb from your right hand to massage her clitoris as well. Since your left hand should be free (if you read the instructions above!), you can use your left hand to massage her breasts, abdomen, or clitoris and labia as well.

20. Ride the wave

If your partner has an orgasm, "keep her breathing and continue massaging if she wants. More orgasms may occur, each gaining in intensity. In Tantra, this is called ‘riding the wave.’"

21. When you finish the Yoni massage:

Slowly remove your hands and allow her to relax for a few minutes afterward before moving onto something else.